SACRAMENTO, CA—Donning a pristine pinstripe suit and gently stroking a tax-stamped, union-grown marijuana plant in her dimly lit Capitol office, Assembly Majority Leader and undisputed Boss of Bosses Cecilia Aguiar-Curry proudly announced the successful passage of Assembly Bill 8 today.
The new legislation effectively cements the California Cannabis Operators Association (CCOA) as the only family authorized to run the intoxicating green in this state, granting the syndicate a total monopoly over the minds, bodies, and wallets of California’s recreational consumers.
“We couldn’t have these rogue, corner-store cowboys disrespecting the family. The CCOA pays their protection money—pardon me, their licensing fees. They kiss the ring.”— Cecilia Aguiar-Curry, as imagined by the Delete the Internet Valley News Desk
When some un-unionized upstart tries to sell a mildly intoxicating hemp gummy next to the beef jerky without cutting me in, it’s a slap in the face. So, I had to make a phone call.
That phone call was allegedly to Governor Gavin Newsom, who reportedly acted as the cartel’s premier hitman. Bypassing the legislature in late 2024 to issue “emergency” executive knee-cappings, the Governor paved the way for AB 8 to permanently sleep the independent hemp industry with the fishes by 2026.
Artist’s Rendering
The AB 8 extortion hierarchy
The Don · The Author
Assemblywoman Aguiar-Curry: Writes the laws. Collects the political favors. Ensures no unauthorized giggles occur inside state lines.
The Syndicate · The Sponsors
The CCOA and UFCW union muscle: Charges a 40% markup for weed. Demands competition be physically removed from local shelves by armed inspectors.
The Victims · The Hemp Artisans
Poor, innocent Gary: Just wanted to sell mild, locally sourced Delta-8 fruit chews to tired truckers. Now facing state-sponsored ruin and a lot of unsold roller taquitos.
Representatives for the CCOA cartel celebrated the victory from their heavily fortified dispensaries. “This is just business,” a CCOA underboss wearing a green weed-leaf fedora told reporters. “We offer a premium, over-priced product. We can’t have these innocent gas stations undercutting our operation with their accessible, affordable hemp vapes. If you aren’t buying union-bagged kush at our designated prices, you’re stealing from the family.”
Meanwhile, the victims of this ruthless syndicate are left picking up the pieces of their shattered livelihoods.
“I’m just a simple artisan,” wept Gary Jenkins, 54, who runs a local Valero station and previously supplied sleepy commuters with organic, carefully aged Delta-9 seltzers. “I crafted those displays with love, right there between the windshield wiper fluid and the novelty lighters. We weren’t hurting anybody. Now the state inspectors come in here like goons, threatening to revoke my tobacco license and telling me to stick to selling stale Combos.”
With the hemp competition officially dealt with, the CCOA cartel is expected to raise the price of a standard edible to the equivalent of a small mortgage, secure in the knowledge that the regulatory bodies they lobbied will keep their monopoly running as smoothly as an offshore bank account.
“Remember,” Aguiar-Curry added, casually tossing a match onto a pile of confiscated artisanal hemp seltzers in the Capitol courtyard. “It’s not a monopoly if the government gets a cut. Now get out of my office before I have the labor unions break your legs.”